Guess what, tonight is the first time I’ve cried like that since you left. Even as we were thinking about youth ministry and 2013 plans tonight, I really really missed you. You, perched on my bed, during our first ever one-to-one session; us making plans to meet up for a whole year or more. Honestly, I’m excited to meet up with someone else to study God’s word soon, but at the same time it always reminds me of you and that’s not always an easy thing to remember. Sometimes, I can’t really believe you’re gone — we went to Mandai to visit the other day, and staring at your photo placed on a shiny white square surface was so surreal. Sometimes, I feel like you’re just on a long holiday and you’ll be back soon (with a nice little gift for me, of course).
I guess I’m writing to you now cos I don’t feel like talking to anyone else right now. To be honest, I always hate sharing my problems because it makes them seem more real, and makes me seem like a drama queen. Tonight all the feelings of loneliness, tiredness and aimlessness all came rushing out and somehow transformed themselves into streams of water from my eyes. I pride myself on being a very un-needy person in general, but tonight I realised we all need something sometimes. A small little gesture of what seemed like abandonment from my very good friend suddenly became a torrent-load of unexpressed feelings of recent weeks.
I’m not even writing coherently here, I can tell, and it annoys me slightly but I can’t even be bothered to rephrase or be witty at the moment. Angel, you know something? I have another friend whom I call Angel too, and I kinda miss that friend too, but in a different way. To be honest, a lot of what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks are because of this friend, and tonight I realised I’m really tired of this emotional roller-coaster I’ve been on. It’s tough, when your heart is involved!
And lastly, work has honestly been a drag. Or rather, I have been a drag about work. I can’t seem to gather the passion, enthusiasm or discipline to get my work done, and my passion for design in general has likewise taken a backseat. I find myself wasting my life away and wondering everyday what I’m doing with it. I need a kickstart, an injection into this terrible routine of nothingness I’ve fallen into. Angel, you remind me that life is not to be wasted, and so after all this, I pray this prayer:
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
— Psalm 51:10-12
Thanks for listening, dear.