Fine Lines

Dear Age, have you been working out? Because you seem to be catching up with me much quicker than before. It seems a strange thing to say at 25, but I think I can feel your breath on my neck as I try to stay ahead. By all accounts, most people look at me and barely guess I’m 21, let alone 25, but inside I feel something ticking, something telling me that my life should be more than this.

Strangely, I think that something might be the devil.

Because the word of God tells me that Christ is sufficient, and that no career, no relationship and no amount of money can ever fill this emptiness, and yet it is so easy to believe that some form of success or recognition, or even a hand to hold, will make it all better. A constant struggle between my heart, mind and soul.

Today I thought of myself as a bottle. It’s not like I don’t have anyone to talk to, it’s just that I don’t like to let it out. I still think of me as the person who enjoyed this single, carefree lifestyle, but inside I know I’m not and I’ve changed. It’s funny (not really) how you can be completely content being single until someone comes along that matters, and suddenly there is an emptiness that never existed before. Is it wrong to feel this way, even though I have Christ? Is it bad to feel like beneath your words and actions, there’s always something missing inside?

One thing I have always prided myself on is not being emotional or needy, err, or emotionally needy I guess. I think the thought of someone having to feel sorry for me, or be concerned for me always leads me to respond that “I’m fine”, because I never want to be that person who needs all of that. And while I still don’t want to talk about it, I will admit that I’m not fine.

I’m not fine, but I am saved. For now, that will have to do.