Maybe because I’ve been here before, in the not-too-distant past, but this time, things are a lot calmer. It doesn’t hurt less, but I’m screaming less. Perhaps it aches even more, but this time I think I am seeking refuge in the right place. And painful, unwanted and inexplicable though it may be, I can see how God is using this to challenge my very beliefs about Him. Is He really my treasure? Do I really believe I’m truly blessed? Is what God has given me in Christ more than enough? I’ll be honest – times like this, it’s a struggle to say “yes” with conviction.
But I have prayed and pleaded, cried and shouted, for God to change not my situation, but my heart. Because if I were to ask him to change my situation to how I would like it to be, then my desire would still be for that thing. Instead, I ask that He change my heart, that my desire be for Him only. I think the whole of Christian life can more or less be summed up in this struggle: between what we know and what we believe, between what we hear and what we obey, between what we want and what we need, between God and everything else in this world.
We humans are built for relationships. We experience loneliness, maybe especially when we are alone, but sometimes even when we are in a crowd. So it’s not wrong to want a relationship; someone to be yours, someone to love you for who you are, someone to hold your hand, someone to tell the randomest of things – but if we think that a human relationship alone can satisfy the longing and the need inside, then we are sadly mistaken. It’s a myth that Hollywood likes to perpetuate, that all our problems are solved when a prince on a white horse comes along. I know its not true, and yet, it doesn’t quite make me feel better anyway.
I have been here before, and it is not a nice place. But my one comfort is that Heaven is.